The Twelve Steps of Querying
1. We admitted we were powerless over querying—that our e-mail checking, agent stalking, and panicked response to calls from another area code had become unmanageable.
2. Realized that we have no freaking power over what agents do, starting the moment after we click “send.”
3. Made a decision to turn our first 50 pages over to an agent, hoping like hell she understands them.
4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of our internet presence and platform.
5. Found out from our CP, our betas, and another form rejection the exact nature of our manuscript’s problems.
6. Were one more form rejection away from saying “screw it,” deleting the whole thing and removing all the defective characters.
7. Humbly edited to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all agents we had queried, and became willing to nudge them all.
9. Sent fulls to such people wherever possible, except when they didn’t ask for them, which was most of the time.
10. Continued to stalk agents on the internet, and when we were rejected, promptly revenge queried.
11. Prayed, meditated, used a Ouija Board, called the psychic hotline, wore our “lucky querying socks” and did everything else we could think of to try to understand this process, praying only for a “revise & resubmit” from an A-list agent and the power to carry that out.
12. In order to keep from going insane as the result of this process, we bitch and moan to other querying writers, who practice these principles in all of their queries.